


Lighting Matches Just to Swallow Up The Flames (Like Me?)

by Tiny_Topaz



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, also mention of canon conversion therapy, massive TWs for self harm, maybe a lil suicide if you look super close
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-08 11:49:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14104749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiny_Topaz/pseuds/Tiny_Topaz
Summary: Cheryl isn't in class and Toni is worried, the girl hasn't been the same since the recent events in her horror show life. And Toni just so happens to love, no, really like Cheryl enough to scale a building for her.Please read the tags for trigger warnings because I'm bitch who only writes angst. also features mild spoilers for 2x18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> shout out to the anon on tumblr who sent me a prompt a little like this, it stuck so i ran with it.  
> its currently 2:35am so yeah i get that it probs sucks but also: im tired. ye i know i use the girl way to much but hey deal w it and ya the formatting sucks but i never know how the hell people actually format their fics nicely so again deal w it

Toni was worried. It had been a few weeks since Cheryl was at The Sisters of Quiet Mercy, and ever since she had come back she hadn’t been the same. Toni could see her trying so hard to show that nothing had changed but the small things that no one else picked up on, the quiet crying in class and her inability to hold eye contact left her increasingly concerned.  
And now she wasn’t in class.

 

Cheryl didn’t skip class, she told Toni that if she was going to uphold her 4.0 GPA and leave Riverdale and her mothers’ grasp behind that meant regular attendance. Yet, all throughout fourth period history Toni spent more time stealing glances towards the redhead’s empty seat than she did reading the set sources. She knew that the seat being empty meant something bad had happened, and she couldn’t leave Chery to continue fighting her demons alone.

 

Toni figured that the most likely place the girl would be would have to be Thistle House. After the whole Carrie incident and Cheryl forcing her mother and uncle out of the house while covered in fake blood (that ended in possibly the most terrifying snapchat Toni had ever received) she had the place to herself and her Nana.

 

Toni said a grand ‘fuck it’ to finishing the day of school and left as soon as the bell let her out of that god awful history class. Speeding throughout the winding suburban northside streets on her bike was difficult but she still managed to make it to the house in under ten minutes, which she classed as a small win.

  
Walking up to the grand front door Toni started to question herself. What if she was wrong about Cheryl coming here and she was waiting for her at pops. Or even worse what if Penelope had come back. But, her fear of not knowing what was going on with Cheryl outweighed all of those other thoughts (her brain started saying ‘damn I must love her if im willing to risk Penelope’s wrath for her’ but she quickly compartmentalised that for another day).

 

After pressing the doorbell multiple times, she was certain that no one was going to answer, but her gut told her that Cheryl was in there and that she needed her. With a sigh and the thought ‘desperate times call for desperate measures hey’ she lodged the space between the ball of her shoe and the heel onto one of the larger branches on the house, thanking whatever power told her to wear chunky heeled boots that day, and began to hoist herself up to the middle window.

 

Now, something that Toni neglected to think about was what she would do once she actually made it to the window. She was two floors up, clutching onto some tree branches to keep herself from plunging from the ground and it was still only mid afternoon so she knew she had to get inside before someone saw her and called the cops.

 

When she looked closer to the window she thanked the almighty powers once again because one of the panes was ever so slightly agar, just enough to stick her fingers in to open. Toni just wished that she could actually see into the room from her position slightly to the side of the window because she really didn’t want to let go of the branches and possibly plunge to her death to find out that Cheryl wasn’t even in the room. But, she had to trust her gut so she reached out with a shaking arm and opened the window wide enough to essentially throw herself through.  
God, she loved this girl. Wait, what no that’s too soon she _really liked_ her.

 

It took her a while to recover from her leap of faith into the room, but as soon as she was able to she looked up to scan the room for the missing girl. As luck would have it she didn’t have to look long because sitting on her bed with an absolutely stunned expression was the girl in question. She had tears still streaming down her face and her knees pulled tight to her chest with her arm jammed tightly in between as if she was hiding it.  
“Toni! What the hell!” Cheryl croaked, lacking her usual strong tone as was common of late. Toni shook herself off and walked towards the girl  
“you weren’t in class and I was super worried Cheryl, I know you don’t skip class and you haven’t been ok for weeks. I had to find you” but as she went to sit on the end of the bed Cheryl closed in on herself more, sinking further into her pillows and still guarding her arm. This made Toni’s heart drop.

 

“Cheryl, what is wrong with your arm? Are you hurt?” Toni asked so softly, as if the girl was made of glass and her words would shatter her. Tears started to flow down Cheryl’s face once again and Toni was starting to get really worried, she had an inkling as to what could be going on but she wanted to be wrong. When Cheryl didn’t give an answer she moved closer so she was sitting side by side with the girl but still with enough space between them so not to impose on her.

 

All she did was reach out her hand in invitation and Cheryl knew exactly what she was asking. With anyone else she would have just regressed into herself further but for some reason completely out of her control she trusted Toni, and she knew the girl wouldn’t hurt her. She began to release her arm from where she held it away from view but she paused just for a moment, just to give herself a little more time before Toni knew. When she was ready she fully extended her arm and gripped Toni’s hand all within about half a second, wanting the comfort of the girls’ soft grip when she got the reaction she was waiting for.

 

Toni wanted to cry for the beautiful, broken girl before her. All along the inside of her forearm, near the inside of her elbow were bleeding lines. All perfectly straight and even and just deep enough to bleed without leaving a visible scar. But it was what she noticed next that really made Toni’s heart break. Under the blood there were dozens of other small scars, exactly the same layout, straight and even, the fresh ones, just visible enough to notice when looking. There was so much pain etched onto the milky flesh and it killed her.

 

She looked up and locked eyes with Cheryl who was clearly waiting for her to say something, her hand still in a vice grip in Toni’s.  
“Did you clean them?” was the first thing Toni said and it earned her a small nod in affirmation.  
“Ok, good” Toni’s voice caught in her throat. She wanted to help the girl next to her and make her feel better but she was at a loss.

  
“You do know that it doesn’t fix anything, right? That hurting yourself does only that” Toni said and instantly the hand in hers was torn away and she could feel the atmosphere surrounding them turn bitter.  
“What would you know? You haven’t been through half the shit that I have! Everyone I have ever loved has been torn away from me, my mother is a wretched bitch and I just got sent to fucking conversion therapy, so you know what? If people keep bashing me around emotionally I’m allowed to express that physically” Cheryl practically screamed. Emotionally spent she began silently crying again as she whispered  
“god knows what would happen if I don’t.”

 

The outburst didn’t frighten Toni in the slightest, she just slipped the large leather bracelet off her wrist and held her hand out to Cheryl, wrist down. Cheryl meekly grabbed the offered hand and began gently playing with her fingers for a moment before flipping the hand around, as she understood that this is what Toni had meant when she offered her hand. Marking the dark skin were thick scars going in all directions. Not as many as Cheryl had but the thick deep lines told their own story.

  
“I’m sorry” was all that Cheryl was able to say. She felt bad for her outburst, sometimes she forgets that those around her are struggling too.  
“It’s ok” Toni replied with a long pause allowing both their emotions to calm.  
“How about we both have a nap on this amazing bed of yours and we can talk more later?” Toni asked with a small smile lifting just one corner of her mouth, the most adorable crooked grin Cheryl had seen in her life.

Cheryl gave a small nod and they both laid down without releasing the others hand. Toni rolled over so she was facing Cheryl and used their joined hands to pull the taller girl into her, and allowed Cheryl to cling to her as she began to fall asleep.

Toni looked down at the sleeping girl cradled in her arms and vowed never to let her feel so hopeless ever again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyy guys, i bet you thought that i would never update this. as soon as i posted the first chapter life and uni got crazy af and this is the first chance i have had to work on it again.  
> anyway so it's late and i need to be up early so i will keep this brief but sorry if it sucks esp the 2nd half i am SO BAD at dialogue also i didn't re read the first chapter so sorry of there are a few plot holes, but i would recommend you go back and read the first chapter so you remember what this is about bc it has been ages (im sorry)

Even though it was her who suggested a nap, Toni didn’t sleep at all. She was glad that Cheryl all but passed out after the emotionally charged conversation they just had, but Toni had too much on her mind still, so the thought of sleep was out the window (the same one she had flung herself through not ten minutes prior).

 

Toni watched Cheryl sleep for a while. Yes, she knows that is creepy but the girl just looked so at peace for once in her life and the feelings in Toni’s heart whilst watching her soft breaths were too addicting. After a few minutes of that she started to get restless. Toni is the kind of person where if there is something weighing on her mind she can’t sit and dwell on it, she either has to fix the issue or if she can’t fix it she has to do something to get her mind to stop running thoughts on a loop.

 

So, about fifteen minutes after Cheryl fell asleep Toni decided that she would go down to the massive kitchen and try and make something for them to eat. Toni herself was the kind to wake up from a nap three hours later disoriented enough to think that it was morning, but something told her that Cheryl wasn’t that kind of person and would probably wake soon and Toni wanted to have some kind of decent dinner ready for her when she did rise.

 

The many cupboards were surprisingly empty, and the fridge completely empty bar one bottle or orange juice with barely a sip left. Toni figured that when Penelope the penis (Toni’s favourite nickname to date) left she had taken all the food with her. Toni felt her heart breaking for the girl upstairs once again, how could someone’s mother be so vile. It had been weeks since Cheryl kicked her out and Toni didn’t want to think about Cheryl not having any food in the house for that long. She didn’t even have enough money for take out every night, the girl must be starving.

 

Toni put her game face on and got to work categorising everything that was left in the kitchen. One sip of orange juice. 5 slices of frozen bread, mixed grain of course. Assorted cans of vegetables. 7 jars of blossom brand maple syrup. About half a cup of flour. One half empty jar of pasta. A random chunk of what Toni presumes to cheese hidden under the orange juice she drank to give her the strength to continue on this impossible path. And, one onion. God, this really was impossible.

 

Toni picked up the cheese like chunk and inspected it. She had no idea how long it had been under the juice but it looked fine and didn’t smell rotten so she figured she would make some grilled cheese. If the end result was food poisoning then so be it, Cheryl needed some real food.

 

The thing is, Toni isn’t a very good cook. Like, at all. She generally relies on whoever’s couch she is sleeping on to make the food and she does the cleaning after, so now while faced with the task of actually cooking food on a stove Toni was terrified. Those things are just contained fires, that’s fucking scary.

 

But Toni Lo- NO, likes Cheryl very much and she will face the scary kitchen flames if that means making the girl happy.

 

Toni started by putting the bread into the frypan (who the hell doesn’t have a sandwich maker) to defrost it over a very small flame (no, Toni would not admit that it took about 30 attempts to get the stove started and many minutes spent pacing around the kitchen whist repeating ‘you can do this, it’s just a kitchen appliance you’re in a fucking gang get a grip’ over and over in her head). She then moved on to the cheese, but quickly realised that the only greater in the kitchen was covered in old grim as if no one had washed it ever. After scrubbing the thing so hard her shoulder almost dislocated itself she realised that there was no towel to dry it, so being Toni she simply shook it around until the air dried it.

 

The thing with Toni is that as amazing as she is she does sometimes lack foresight. In this instance, she didn’t think that shaking a dripping wet cheese grater would leave a big puddle on the floor. So, of course because she is Toni she slipped on the wet floor and went down right in front of the stove. Another moment of lacking foresight was when, whilst falling she put her hand out to try and catch herself on the stove but didn’t realise that the temperature dial was right where her hand was coming down.

 

She watched in slow motion from her spot in the puddle on the floor as the flames which had been set as low as possible grew and erupted around the pan on the stove, catching the bread and possibly the whole frypan itself on fire.

 

Toni quickly scrambled up off the floor whilst practically screaming “oh fuck, oh fuck, fuckkk oh my god” but her yelling quickly got drowned out by the fire alarm blaring out its incessant siren.

 

Cheryl had been woken by the first bang from the kitchen (Toni’s ass hitting the floor) and had been on her way down the stairs when she heard the screaming that quickly dissolved into the fire alarm. She started running to the kitchen and came upon the sight of Toni trying desperately to fan the flames with her flannel shirt whilst also trying to keep as far away from the small fire as possible. Cheryl couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle at the sight, she couldn’t that real life gang member Toni was terrified of a small kitchen fire that she presumably started.

 

Cheryl walked into the kitchen gracefully and turned off the stove then ran the pan under the sink. She turned around with a smirk and found Toni hunched over and breathing heavily. The girl looked up to see Cheryl with what was now a shit eating grin

“oh yeah, I forgot that you are one with fire” Toni said after finally getting her heart beat back to a stable rhythm

“where you trying to burn my one remaining house down, Toni Topaz?” Cheryl asks, her voice deep with sarcasm.

Toni wanted to keep joking and flirting but the truth decided to come crashing out

“I just, I just wanted to make you something to eat for when you woke up but I can’t cook, and the kitchen was just so empty and the floor was wet, and well I fell and everything caught on fire. I really don’t like fire” Toni said, looking at her feet the whole time not wanting to see the look on the taller girl’s face.

 She felt a soft finger lift her chin to meet Cheryl’s eyes and she was absolutely amazed at how they were flooded with sympathy

“Oh, TT you are so sweet. You didn’t have to cook me anything at all, having you here is enough for me” Cheryl said, all previous sarcasm completely devoid from her voice

“I’m not sweet, I’m Toni fucking Topaz. I’m in a gang. I beat people up” Toni tried to argue but Cheryl’s small smile stopped her right in her tracks, forcing her to grin right back. This girl really does know her too darn well.

 

 

Cheryl cleans the burn marks off her kitchen whilst Toni sits on the bench and texts Sweet Pea asking him to bring them Pops. By the time Cheryl finishes cleaning Sweet Pea had already dropped off the food. Toni wasn’t sure if the fire made a really big mess or if Riverdale really was that small of a town.

 

Toni watched as Cheryl practically shoved her entire burger into her mouth, it was clear that the kitchen had been that empty for quite a while and Toni didn’t want to think that this was possibly the first real meal that the girl had eaten since she moved back into Thistlehouse.

 

Once they both only had their milkshakes left Toni spoke up

“Cheryl, we really need to talk about earlier” her voice as soft as she could possibly make it. Cheryl rested her head in her hand and looked away

“What do you want to know” and she sounded so broken and empty that Toni almost decided to skip the conversation all together.

“Why. Why Cheryl did you hurt yourself like that? And how long has this been going on for?” Toni questioned, she hoped she wasn’t to forward but she was so worried she couldn’t help herself.

“Well, the first time I did anything like that was right after my mother sent Heather away. We had been working on an art project together and I was forced to finish it by myself which just made me.. sad, and lonely. I wanted to feel that pain I had inside on the outside too, so that it wasn’t so, I don’t know, so that it was real pain you know? The project had required artist blades, so I took mine and tried to stab myself with it. That didn’t work.” Cheryl laughed humourlessly, and took that moment as a chance to look up and meet Toni’s gaze. Her eyes were so full of empathy and Cheryl couldn’t believe how lucky she was to have such a wonderful person in her life.

“Yeah, so eventually I figured out how to use it properly I guess, but JJ found out pretty quickly and forced me to stop. I didn’t start again until after he died. I felt like I failed him, going back and doing what he told me not to do, but I just had this empty hole inside me and it hurt so much Toni and I didn’t know what else to do” She was silently crying now. Toni reached out and grabbed her hand.

“But, Cheryl why today? What made you feel like that today?” Toni questioned. Cheryl appeared to sink into herself even further

“I.. I was scared of losing you. I really like you Toni, and my whole life everyone has told me that I’m not worthy of love, that no one will ever love me the way that I love them and all of that started running through my head. I convinced myself that you were going to get bored of me and leave me alone again and I freaked out. I’m sorry TT” Cheryl was curled completely in on herself, eyes not leaving the floor with tears dripping down onto her shirt. Toni moved so that she was sitting right next to the girl and wrapped an arm around her shoulders

“I would never do that Cheryl. I don’t think that I will ever be able to just leave you now that I have gotten to know you. You have drawn me in and I’m stuck for life now” Toni said rubbing her arm soothingly. Cheryl finally raised her head and met Toni’s eyes

“Will you tell me why you did it now? Please?” she asked releasing the hand that was holding hers to gently stroke the raised scar on the inside of Toni’s wrist.

 

“Well, I only did it once. My parents died a few years back. Someone had set fire to our trailer and I was the only one that made it out because I had to sleep on the couch. Their room was the first to be engulfed. A little while later they found the guy who did it, some low life rival gang member, and during the court proceedings we found out that my parents had been making plans to leave the south side all together. To move up here. I had been staying with my uncle but when he found out about their plans he was livid. The serpents mean everything to him and he thought that I was the reason that they wanted to move. To have a better life for me or whatever”. Toni took a deep breath and felt Cheryl grip her hand the same way Toni had held hers

 

“So he kicked me out and my grandpa decided to side with my uncle leaving me basically homeless. I started to ask around the other serpent families to see if they could spare a couch but my uncle got to them first and told them that I was a traitor and that I didn’t care about the gang. I spent three nights on the streets before I took a broken bottle to my wrist. I passed out pretty quickly, I mean I hadn’t eaten or slept at all those three days so it’s understandable, and woke up in the hospital. They kept telling me that I had tried to kill myself but I was so out of it that I can’t remember what my intentions were at all. I was definitely pretty fucking depressed, and I had been since my parents died but I don’t know if that is what I was trying to do, and I guess I never will.

But yeah, I had a nice long stay in the hospital and when I got out some of the serpents decided they felt bad enough to let me crash with them. Most of them have forgotten it even happened by now.” Toni finished, but Cheryl was still confused

“But Toni, here are you living now? Did your uncle take you back in? she questioned

“well, tonight I was planning on crashing with Sweet Pea..” Toni trailed off, she didn’t want to upset Cheryl any further.

“You are staying here, with me from now on. Just no more cooking, that is my one rule” Cheryl said, her tone making it clear that it wasn’t up for discussion. Toni felt like her heart was expanding out of her chest.

“Thank You Cheryl, so much. I have one rule too, ok? I want you to use some of the money you will get when your emancipation finalises on some proper therapy. It really did help when I was in the hospital, and I want you to have someone else you can talk to other than me” Cheryl was looking at the ground again. She wasn’t very good at admitting that she needed help, but she knew Toni was right and she would do anything for the girl

“Yeah ok, deal. Now, can we stop talking about all of this?” Cheryl said, she was completely spent after their crazy night.

 

Toni got up to throw away the trash from their dinner but turned around before she left the room

“Hey Cheryl? I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yea so im ending it here, thank you so much for reading and i have really appreciated your comments. i might continue some other one shots in this universe so keep an eye out for that maybe

**Author's Note:**

> i might continue this if you guys really want bc there is a lot i wanted in there that i forgot about so let me know if you want that aye


End file.
